it's been close to a year since i've wrote in this journal. i recently went through a very rough time, both with internal and external influences affecting me more than i thought they would. i feel more focused now yet a bit jaded. i suppose that's life and the living.
i do have to say i lost some of the fire that gave my previous writing it's life. to be honest i write best when i am angry and focused. i have always found focused anger into creativity so real and strong, and moreso when you can combine it with abstraction or metaphors. i found the more i wrote when i felt focused in this sense, the impact i would have was multiplied so much higher...it was almost trance like. i understand that without some of the "darker" or more hidden emotions that are not so much acceptable in day to day conduct, creativity becomes as mundane as the very society we live in and is presented to us in all to easy of a fashion.
so...
that being said i would like to feel that fire once again. i always concidered it somewhat a blessing that i was able to have an almost lighthearted and positive spin on anger, never directing it to indivduals or cultures but moreso at collective mindsets, and at that in more of a challenging aspect and not an envasive or insulting one. i realize that as of late, in another journal, my thoughts strayed from this focus and i let personal realities hinder my creative ones. while i was somewhat embarrassed to allow this to happen to me, i do remind myself that i'm somewhat human and it does happen...just have to realize where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are. part of the journey i suppose.
and the mind becomes tar that's forged into a smoke that drops ashes...that happen to be phoenix and he is born again into the sky to breathe a fine, crisp morning air :-)
thinking again. summer is the best time for this, for me anyways. sunshine does the mind good. i would say life is going well at the moment...trying theories on living life on the path of least resistance. as contradictory as this may sound given said statement, it's quite difficult. i get kind of figety when things are too calm, but in all fairness to the calm side of my mind, i've never fully explored it. i am aware that in every human being there is light and shadow, and it is important to never tilt the balance too extremely on either. but balance can be a complete circle as opposed to an eternally swinging pedulum...or so i'm thinking. i don't know. i've never tried full circle. as written previously i've never lived my life like a river going into an ocean. it's always been lakes that spawn new rivers. i dislike using the word "spawn", but i think it is perhaps the best word to choose given how tired i am of patterns. there has to be something more.
however!
i do give myself credit on the fact that i have found a job that i actually love and am passionate about. i would love to be a chef in a small restuarant pub down on, say, davie and denman. i think it would be amazing to have a day job, doing what you love, and then getting off work and having a beer on the beach. every day in the summer. i could not imagine anything more perfect.
as well, i finished up the ink on my hands. tis a thing of beauty...i'm so close to being done it's not even funny. well, perhaps it's a little bit funny. but it's bittersweet...tattoo art is a major passion of mine. i guess i have to accept completion when it is time to do so.
and now that summer is upon me i feel motivated again. i find that my skills in poetry have declined, so i'm on the lookout for courses that offer creative inspiration and ilk of that caliber. should anyone see any i would love info.
that's about it. i'm bored of doing music reviews, as all i ever did was pick songs i loved, and just elaborated on why i loved them. not many got the thumbs down in my books...or i probably wouldn't have been listening to them in my free time. it's not my job to be a critic. love is love.
it's friday night, and i'm in abbotsford visiting my family. 10 minutes till midnight. completely sober. i look out back and i see only the shadows of trees, shades of lakes, black sky and scattered stars. no sounds but frogs, no lights, no cars, no parties, nothing. i share awake time currently with my sister's cat, of whom i *just* started getting along with (i've always had birds...tis a long story). the moon is the tip of a nail off the index finger of some ancient goddess...very peaceful i'm thinking.
i wish i had more moments like this in my life.
i always seem to hit white noise at totally random times, and my entire universe expands into an empty bliss. it's like a spiritual eclipse i suppose: body mind and soul in harmony. not wanting a single thing in the world. conscious meditation via the natural world.
i don't know why it is that these moments only come randomly to me. however i never question it; they come at all the right times and i'm eternally grateful i can feel and appreciate them when they do come. i know not everyone can. i could never at a time like this think "i'm bored" or "i wish i was out". makes me wonder why i cram my day to day life with so much useless activity and stress, constantly searching for something, never really in touch with the present. i tend to fall out of touch with present time; when i'm doing something i'm sometimes wondering about the unlimited future and am frustrated by the limits placed in the moment, and why i can't hit the land of dreams; or i think about the past and think of amazing moments that have happened with people i have loved so much, in places that were so incredible in that moment, and why they couldn't have been frozen in time for just a little bit longer to enjoy.
and then there's the fraction of my brain that tunes this in, and it's really quite euphoric. when i realize silence has so much to offer that you don't need to take from. in love with being in love i suppose...this is a good experience for me. a minute in this atmosphere summarizes a lifetime of friday nights. regardless of this turning into a memory everytime i inhale, blink, look up at the moon, type and think...i feel fairly free right now.
i've been reading up on some theories on memory again. i would say this is amongst my favorite of subjects to discuss as i never get the same viewpoint from the same person, and the subject is fairly neutral in the fact that i can talk to just about anyone with it without offending them or having it cut short due to misunderstanding, boredom, etc etc.
so allow me to theorize yet again.
i remember trying to write a book on memory as i viewed it as an artform to live one's life rather than a scientific point of view from one's mind. i appreciate and respect the whole science thingy but i simply cannot understand it completely. from a philosophical point of view, the subject is a philosophy unto itself: there is no correct way to start or finish the subject. i was (and still am) under the impression that everyone's mind is like a broken crystal: multifacted and beautiful to gaze upon. memory plays a key role in this statement for me. i often wonder why people present themselves the way they do. memory has to tie into this for image as well. some images strike the short term memory as extremely unique and beautiful and thus the memory chain reacts into our sense of image, aesthetics, etc etc. should the memory be powerful enough to retain in the short term, it is tranferred into the long term which in turn completes a "stability" aspect of our image. memory is chaos and order. our own judicial system is run on stories, which are interpretations of human memory: the more accurate, linguistic statement made generally wins. not many stories with "i don't remember" do very well in law.
or perhaps this is yet just another incoherent rambling. i always think that human beings are extremely fascinated by stories as they are imperfect, yet so open to interpretation. stories are children of memories. and we live in an era where the movie industry defines the most powerful nation in the known universe, and movies all have stories.
this isn't coming out completely as i invisioned it as i'm in one of those moods where my thoughts are coming out faster than i can type, and it's having an incomplete effect on my writing. i think in retrospect, after writing all this, that it is a conversation piece or the start of a new book.
i'll have to think about it. till then i recommend "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". good movie. massive memory influence.
when i can complete a subthought on this subject i'll write more.
oh my, incubus' new song is delight to the sense of hearing. i absolutely love it, the lyrics, the music in general...it's a very pleasant song in general. fucking amazing actually. i usually never start journal entries writing about music, but as that's what i'm listening to right now, plus the fact that i'm a touch intoxicated, this is what i feel i must write about at this exact moment :-D.
so, moving back to Vancouver. this mindset obsesses me in ways i don't yet understand. i feel so natural here. but as i wanted (and still plan to) test what is "natural" in the world compared to what is comforting, i ask this: how can something "unnnatural" exist if your universe is natural by, well, nature?
sing this song... :-)
ah lyrical ranting. i always get caught up in it. i'm looking forward to going to sin city this saturday. it's been awhile, and as much as i bored of that scene before i left for montreal, i couldn't outright slam it as i always had an amazing time there. at 23 anyways. richards is not so much my forte, but tis life.
it happens :-)
so i end this useless passage on wayyyyy too much red wine and listening to incubus. how poetic :p
All along the broadening skies Under the every night I will lie Scratching claw and grip the rails Every day my living hell Oh, God you know I've tried I know how hard I tried, Oh I tried...
Hey I'd like to daze away to a Place like no one has known, In a state of mind I could call mine That only I could own Where I could hum a tune anytime I choose, and then there is no such thing as time Where I feel no pain, just calm and sane, What a place for one to find...
Now you see I'm watching everything I do And they're watching everything I say Why wont they leave me be?
Why am I even here?
I wonder...you leave me wondering...
Won't you stop watching me? I said they're watching me, watching me, watching me...
Now in my corner I got the ceiling in my eyes Arms holding up my knees And rocking back and forth my life I didn't mean to feel this way When I walked into the door Then they ripped away my memories And I cant remember who I was before...
Now you see I'm watching everything I do And they're watching everything I say Why wont they leave me be?
everything is balancing out. quite perfectly actually. just moved into a new house on nanaimo and 1st with some amazing roommates, it's an awesome environment for me. haven't really drank or partied at all since i've been back, and it feels like i'm actually moving forward. i went in to check out celebs even and walked back out within 30 minutes. same with organix. weird think to think that although it's been a couple years now that i've wanted to stop going to clubs and everything, it's just naturally phased out now.
however i really would like to go to sin city again this month. but i'd like to do so completely sober...i've never been able to pull this off. and this is my most missed venue to attend in vancouver as i never really ever got disgustingly drunk or high to enjoy it. it just felt wrong.
other than that, i think the natural turn of events just came, well, naturally. i would say somewhat spiritually at the risk of sounding pretentious. taking yoga virtually everyday, going swimming on my days off, reconnecting with my family every week. my brother is getting married this weekend in las vegas, which is an extremely spontanious thing for him to do. however i'm happy for him. fell out of contact with him for a few years due to conflicting social lifestyles, but all in all, love is love, blood is blood and respect must be given to be reciprocated. i'm glad i made the effort to contact him to congratulate him on his next step in life. think i may have regretted it had i not.
the amount of money and braincells i'm saving on not going out is unreal...i never would've thought that going out consumed so much of my time, energy and life. will be paying off the rest of my debts AND finishing my body art within the month...crazy to think that it's taken me years to do this due to reckless spending. not useless though...no time spent in life ever really is.
it's nice to be back near commercial drive :-)
so yeah, should anyone be going to sin this month, just lemme know. i plan on going for completely social reasons and to have a chance to be creative in my attire once again. not altering the mind this time around, so spending enough to get through cover and buy a bottle of water. i work on saturday till midnight, so i would be there at around 12:30 - 12:45.
music review - cinnamon girl by type o negative. i think this is an amazing cover, and considering i loved the way that neil young composed it, i didn't think it could be done any better. highly recommended for a listen :-)
back in Vancouver now. feels strange i must say, but i feel as though i made the right decision. Montreal has half my heart though, and i will go back every single year...it's one of those places that simply doesn't let you go if you have even the slightest interest in it. met some amazing people who made a permanent impression on my somewhat faltering memory, so this is a good thing and it gives my short term/long term theory on memory that much more strength :-)
missing Montreal already...however it's good to be home i must say. the rain is definitely my thing. can't wait for sunshine and beaches though.
so, reasons for being home, justifications on a delayed quest? i'm not sure. just as it felt that i was pulled to Montreal for some reason, i felt that i was pulled back to Vancouver by that very same force. perhaps it will continue for many more years, or perhaps i'm home now. i'm not sure, i just have to go with my gut feeling on matters of adventure and traveling and know that i will always land on my feet, as i always seem to. what i learned though was more than i thought i would. i do love cooking now...and just got a full time job cooking downtown at some place called the lennox pub on granville and robson. seems pretty decent so far, i like the menu. learned that i think i'm entering the calm and stable period of my life now, which was previously something of an illusion beforehand. no desire whatsoever to club...even tried out organix again and i didn't get the same enjoyment out of it. i think i've turned into a pub/coffee shop person, which is ok for me now.
i'll still go to celebs every now and then though...i have a blast there!!!
addicted to love - robert palmer. lately i've had a strange fascination with super pop 80's hits. there's very little depth to the lyrics or music; i suppose the lightheartedness of it appeals to me coming home as it has been a fairly heavy thing for me to bear mentally. regardless, good song, and the lyrics, as tacky as they are, do ring true :-)
feelin better now, sometimes the seasonal depression hits a bit harder than usual, and i find when i start the deep thinking process in this state, at this time, the effect is multiplied. regardless sometimes you just need to get this crap outta your mind, and what better place than cyberland?
still think occasionally about moving back to Vancouver, but i just know that right now is not the right time. i'm not sure how to justify this in any other phrase than trusting my instinct. i have to believe that i sacrificed my life out there for a purpose i simply don't understand but am willing to try to. does that make sense? i'm not sure, and to be honest, i don't really care. day to day life is interesting enough out here for me. haven't really been able to save much cash out here thus far, which in the long run i will not let bother me. you only live once and i can't see myself thinking when i look back when my run is over and done with, that those are the last thoughts that will be flowing through thy mind.
:-)
so anyways, movin in a week, kinda psyched. new roomy seems fair and completely obsessed with school, so it's a good compliment to my picking up a PS2 next week as well. despite selling it off when i moved, video games and me have a long term relationship that i simply refuse to end :-P
lateralus - tool. tool's coming to montreal in april sometime, and man, cannot wait! i thought i blew it last august when i bought my plane ticket when they were coming through Van, but the world works in mysterious ways. go figure.
been thinking alot again, which i know is bad for me in obsessive doses. been falling back into old routines that are somewhat destructive for me now, but at the time i was discovering and experiencing them, were beneficial to how i was able to gain a sense of rebirth in life and find out who i was by opening up parts of my mind i'd never dreamed of. at that time reality was more appealing than any fantasy i could concoct in my mind. i had no idea how much i take the people back at home for granted. this city, second largest in canada, where i feel so much energy and naturally drawn to, leaves me often drained and lonely. the calmness rarely hits me, and when it does it's on the comedown of a euphoria that was far from natural and leaves me feeling like a shadow mocked my body, confused it and sent it to dream land for a visit that had it crashing back down to earth in a jarring sense.
when i left vancouver, i left it because i predicted my life out there and saw the downfall of a climax i created, and saw the decent as a fading aspect of what my life could've been. in retrospect i think the fear of growing up is severely underrated in society when it starts to sink in. like gravity, society works on the assumption that when it works it's real. my mind bought this as well. life confuses me and i will be eternally grateful if i can find a center point that remains. occasionally too harsh on myself, and it feels like my mind is split in two...it's a libra thing i know, but life is wayyyyyyy too short for unforgiveness. forgiving yourself has a peace to it that is soul illumination.
yet i haven't found that piece of life that "clicks", that makes it all make sense. everytime i think i've found it the scales tilt and it's torturous. it kind of drives me nuts! i just feel like a floating thought, dipped in and out of other thoughts, in and out of feelings, realities, people, situations, even thinking that every new experience has patterns that can easily be detected throught past experiences and memories. theorized that if i was able to rid myself of the concept of memory i would discover the meaning of life due to the fact that my mind would have no reference point on which to base any experience, so you would live day to day something new every time.
haven't wrote like this in awhile...i guess i need life's tests every now and then. i just hope i sacrificed everything i knew for a greater good, which is the intention i had of leaving home. i still think about my bird and how he wouldn't have flown away if i hadn't left and it feels like actual physical pain and hearbreak when i even think about it. karma works in weird ways.
no regrets is an easy statement but a hard sleep to hit. thinking we're nothing sometimes clicks, but reality is a strong hologram to break out of. deeper than emotion? hmmm...
hmmm...have to rediscover the angel within me. i know it's there :-)
the cold continues, but there is light at the end of the tunnel...saving has begun for yet another adventure. kind of torn between one of two possibilities in a sea of millions...join the swap program and head to england for half a year to chill, or go to iceland for about a month. not sure which path to take...indecisiveness has been a consistent problem for my future plans. might have to think about this one. regardless, it's a win win in my opinion!
kung fu is going amazingly well, i love the art and discipline. there is spirit in this martial art that cannot be explained in words! i recommend this to all.
here's a pic of my friends paul and liana at the pub i'm working at...i rarely post pics, but i really liked this one :-). despite my best efforts to stay sober, this night took me over...no regrets though. still feelin good!
boy named sue - johnny cash. not the biggest johnny cash fan, but i don't dislike him either. i can hear harmony in his music and i would say he makes honest music, if there is such a metaphor for music. it's nice, can't really elaborate, but it does the job.
I shouldn't find this funny, but it is absolutely hilarious! The slo mo sound effects are beautiful! My favorite, however, is the "oh no...oh dear" followed by the frown.
due to the weather hitting -20 i find myself updating more frequently. walking the city simply isn't pleasurable these when you're not used to winter in general. my kneecaps actually froze last night...not cool. cold, actually.
so, in a random turn of events, my roommate has decided to try to fuck me over in rent. so instead of looking for someone to move in, i'm moving out. originally he was supposed to move out for february, which broke our agreement, but i said as long as he finds someone who is responsible, has a job/is going to school and doesn't have drug (addiction) issues, i had no problems with him breaking the agreement. i generally don't really put any standards on whom i live with as long as they aren't anal and like to do their own thing. anyways, i'm paying 450 for rent a month, which is fine, affordable and for in suite laundry and me not having my name on the lease/any bills, works out ok. he posted an ad on craigslist for the sublet and i notice he puts the room for rent at 400. still fine, i'm assuming that my 50 is going towards hydro, and if my name isn't on the hydro and if it's around 80/month, i have no probs paying extra to keep my name out of bills. so we have a brief convo about switching over hydro from the old roommates name to mine, as he's leaving. a bit skeptical, but fine, he's not gonna be there very long anyways, and i figure when the new roommate comes in, i'll drop my rent to 400 as well and we'll split the hydro down the middle. i'm about to switch my name over when i give him a shout to confirm that my rent is gonna drop, that i will for sure have a roommate, etc. he says no, my rent is still 450, and i have to take over hydro because he's leaving. not only that, but the roommate hasn't been secured. i ask why he posted an ad for 400/mth when i'm taking over hydro. somethings click with me, and sometimes i'm a tad bit spaced out and airheaded, but i didn't see myself benefiting in this situation. it wasn't even neutral anymore. he says we should talk about it when i get home, but i figure fuck it. i asked for my 200 back before the weekend (as i assume that's where the extra 50 i was paying a month was going), and if i don't get it, he deals with my rent for the month of february as i am outta here, and not having signed a lease or any legal documents, there is absolutely fuck all he can do about it. if i do get it i will be somewhat respectable and leave in march instead, and he can deal with subleting the 2 bdrms by himself. not to be a dick or whatever, but what the fuck was this guy thinking? are people really that selfishly stupid? i haven't had a bad roommate situation since i was about 21. i'm vengeful about very few things, but balance is definitely my forte (or so i wish it to be), so unfair treatment kind of pisses me off. gotta keep calm about it though...it's all about jedi wisdom.
:-)
so there we go. i have 2 places on back up already from some of the cooks at work. the cooking occupation is certainly an interesting one. i liken it to mercenaries at pubs in fantasy times who are somehow interconnected throughout the entire city. one word and you get responses like crazy. i like it.
DMV - primus. picked up primus' singles, and man, bliss. i am pleased with this purchase! recommended, recommended to all :-D
finished up some long delayed tattoo work, and my front is finished. finally! i sometimes wonder what i do with my time and money previous to enhancing thyself. it seems like it disappears into thin air. literally. i didn't really think the stomach would be painful...but it certainly is. liver and kidneys felt like they were being removed. truly, an out of body experience. loved every minute of it :-)
2 more to go, and i feel complete. huginn and muninn.
in other news, i've decided to test myself in a most unusual way. i've always been fascinated by people, and forming relationships with them, no matter what relationship that may be, as long as it is sincere. people are all a little bit strange to me, somewhat distant. i guess this is what makes me so curious about what my role plays in their lives when the time comes that our relationship is willed into being. so i've decided to start a dating experiment. this experiment is strange in the sense that all dates i go on must occur in the daytime. i'm not sure how long this will last or what the results will be, i haven't thought it through. i just can't remember the last time i met someone when it wasn't already night time, at a club, party, etc. so this approach is foreign to me...reminds me of "daywalkers" from blade. tacky, but whatever. should be interesting.
in other news, i'm going to iceland in may. fuck this north american bullshit. the norse know what's goin on, and i intend to find out as well. iceland looks cool. no pun intended.
hamburger train - primus. i love this instrumental, it's amazing. no real words, with the exception of some old train conductor dude at the beginning of the song for a few seconds. primus is somewhat akin to purging: you get tons of primus in your system then you don't listen to it for awhile. i've hit a rebirth in this cycle.
so, 2007 is starting off perfectly thus far. i find myself rebalancing in the strangest of ways. kung fu is wicked and i find peace of mind with training. not so much in the monk aspect as i thought...just myself. been listening to alot of bjork lately, and i actually have a weird desire now to save some cash and book it to iceland. go figure.
poetry is coming slowly but this is ok. tattoo work is coming quickly now as this is simply the time that has been chosen for me to continue this route in life and passion. theory: if you can't fight, you can't flee, just flow. makes sense. you're never at a dead end. just do your thing and everything effortlessly presents itself.
got the news that my roommate is moving out in march, so yet another adventure to be had. on the complete off chance that someone knows someone in montreal looking for a roommate, pls let me know. 400/month downtown, awesome apartment, lots of room. and i'm barely home.
other than that, what to say? i'm loving the calmness, i feel centered. haven't had a drink since NYE as i really truly think i don't need it anymore. dealing with a sober world is weird enough. natural euphoria is not to be underestimated :-)
hearing about the bird phenomena was pretty damn heartbreaking i must say, coming from a bird lover's perspective. death is a strange subject in which i have little to no personal knowledge. i can theorize, but as all our stay's in the living world are relatively short (relatively speaking), i suppose there's enough time to ponder the flip side of the coin when it lands. so to speak.
hyperballad - bjork. beautiful song, beautiful voice. beautiful woman, actually. i'm loving her style. i can't handle too much though...too much bjork is like too much coffee. starts weirding out the brain on mind overloads. regardless, respect...the first song i ever heard from her was "venus as a boy". i loved the poetics :-)
how sweet it is to be loved by you - marvin gaye (again!)
]
so, a more personal review of the year as opposed to a meme... last year new years had me wrecked on ecstasy with two girls i met at sin city visiting from denver, and my god, it was possibly the best new year's i've ever had in regards to "my human ego has transcended gods". so yes, i had a blast. the next day reminded me however, that screwing around on e does have its side effects for yours truly: i actually really missed these girls, whom i cannot now remember for the life of me. happens everytime when you alter your mind to euphoria and you run into someone...anyone, really. everyone fits the bill of potential soulmate when it feels unbelieveably awesome to wash your face and breathe. so said situation through me into cloud 9.
my last year's new year resolution was to open my mind naturally to all the weird shit that happens to you in reality, and realize there's no real weird shit to begin with. in short: no more substances. acted on the theory that all mind alterations have to do is enter your mind -once- to realize the potential you have. it's reality placebo, after all. and oddly enough i stuck to it.
spent the beginning of the year really healthy actually. did yoga twice a week for the end of winter and early spring. learned a great deal about norse mythology. wrote regularly, short stories and poetry. met some awesome people. reconnected with people i fell out with. concentrated really hard on my job and where i was going in life. dated more, but messed around less. felt the balance and i loved it.
*i wanna stop (stop) and thank you baby :-)*
then summer comes and blows my personal balance out of the water. started clubbing again. cash saved goes down the drain. old patterns, meeting people at clubs and not caring if i hear from them again. dating people and actually getting to know them all of a sudden seems like a hellish amount of effort. seeing my friends alot though, checking out whichever festivals are being thrown in vancouver. new roommates are wicked. my bird is healthy and happy. unbalanced but still not feeling it. still doing well at work, got a job in accounts payable and my wage goes up. saving: denied! just more times i can go out.
attempt schooling and understand it, but i could not concentrate to save my life. numbers kick ass, but working full time and going to school, plus it being summertime proves to overwhelm me. not my style but i stick to it. august 1st comes and my eyes open and dreams take over my conscious. gotta get the hell out of BC. give my notice, both to work and my roommates. sell off everything i have and give away what i either couldn't take with me, or what i thought my friends would really like. land a place in montreal, and realize, whoa, i don't know anyone here. i don't even speak french. determination though, this is life, and tests are quite simple in the long run.
first month is kind of nervous. confidence is a bit shaken as i don't have the friendship and unconditional love i had in vancouver. regardless, find a job in a pub downtown and the people are awesome. still don't have the comfort level that i had in van, but if i did, why the hell would i go to montreal in the first place? october comes and i find out my bird has got some travelling of his own planned. heartbreak ensues, and oddly enough, more heartbroken about my bird doing his own thing than i ever have been breaking up in any relationship. i've always connected with birds better than people.
november had me not seeing the bottom of a bottle, and all of a sudden it's december, a week before i come back and i'm broke. new thoughts arrive for what my resolution is. my mind is so much stronger when i have nothing in the way of it. drinking has gotta phase out. clubs have gotta phase out. plan of action, but what's the test? arrive in BC and have an amazing xmas with family and friends. NYE arrives and i spend it with my friends Jason, Chris, Walter, Kenneth and a bunch of other people. day before NYE is weird as fuck, but this is a story entirely unto itself.
and the situation hits me at midnight, and it all makes sense why i thought about my resolution and why it hit my subconscious before i could even think. test hits hard. i pass, i think.
and now i go back to montreal in 4 hours. didn't see everyone i wanted to see, but tis life. i have some amount of clarity now that seems to really sink in that i never would have got if i wasn't here for these 10 days. the impact is somewhat permanent. short term is pain, long term is strength. guaranteed!
i've been given the opportunity to move back to vancouver, and in one situation i'm being encouraged to do so. mixed feelings. i loved being back and started falling into routine again. theme of 2007: beauty regardless of reaction. shouldn't that be the theme of every new years? turning 27 is gonna be weird. this should be a wild ride this year in the best way possible. i wouldn't say the storm is coming, but the winds are definitely warmer.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? tried out a career
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i can't even remember what they were...i have one this year but i've planned it for awhile. oddly enough, this NYE was the exact reason i should go through with it completely.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? not that i know of.
4. Did anyone close to you die? yes.
5. What countries did you visit? the nation within a nation :p
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? a long term, monogamous relationship with someone who centers me.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? august 1st. it clicked that i simply have to take a break from BC to test myself and live life, not repetition and daily patterns.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? actually going through with the move to quebec, despite not having a job or friends out there. it was much more difficult than i imagined.
9. What was your biggest failure? i'm not sure. i'm under the impression that you can't really fail in life. i never went through with the career, but this opened many more doors in my life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no
11. What was the best thing you bought? a one way ticket
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? all my friends and family that supported my move and didn't hold me back.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? there were a few people who bothered me, but it's negative thoughts. human beings are all flawed, so it's no big :p
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol, rent
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? a new life in montreal. learning french and absorbing the culture.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? fooled around and fell in love - elvin bishop
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? bit of a combo.
ii. thinner or fatter? i never seem to gain or lose weight...
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saved to finish my tattoo work, physical activities to prevent boredom, writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? drinking, going to clubs, screwing around
20. How will you spend Christmas? with my family in BC
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? no
23. How many one night stands? not sure
24. What was your favorite TV program? drawn together was pretty funny :)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no
26. What was the best book you read? american gods
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? funk, i'm still hooked on it.
28. What did you want and get? experience
29. What did you want and not get? stability
30. What was your favorite film of this year? crouching tiger, hidden dragon
31. What did you do on your birthday? worked, had dinner with some friends, and went to saphir with Andreas and Shannon
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not altering my mind in anyway, drugs or alcohol. technically i don't need to, so it's just like hitting reset everytime i do.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? minimized the color black :p
34. What kept you sane? nothing, haha
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? not sure. i really like helena bonham carter.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? i've never really been passionate about political issues
37. Whom did you miss? all the amazing friends i have here.
38. Who was the best new person you met? i have no idea, there are alot of awesome people. i couldn't single one out.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. sacrifice everything you love and see what happens.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "i'll stop the world and melt with you"
back home! it's been awesome so far. haven't been to Van yet, but i'll be heading in tomorrow morning. first night here was awesome, got wasted with friends and saw some people i hadn't seen since high school. granted abbotsford still sucks, but some of the people i grew up with were good people and it's kind of neat to see what path they chose in life. many people seem to take paths you wouldn't predict for them based on who they were before.
spending time with my family has been pretty good. no issues really...it sucks to know that montreal is the city i am in and feel good to be in, but i can't drag the amazing people that are here that i really love along with me for the plane ride back home. i suppose it's selfish on my behalf, as everyone has their own path to take and their own destiny to make, but i'm really not too terribly concerned.
got the prose edda, and yeah, reabsorbed and thus reobsessed with norse mythos yet again. tis a beautiful language of imagination that cannot be recreated physically or vocally as time would affect such things in only a destructive mannerism. i think this may be the best book i have ever read in my entire life. it's only 120 pages, but it was written in the 13th century in what is now iceland, and has since been translated from old norse to icelandic to english. i love it and would recommend it to everyone who enjoys reading something interesting.
music review - sex machine by james brown. i just found out james brown died on xmas eve* (thank you Julie!), which is weird as just within the last week i've been really getting into funk music, and he was very much a massive, massive influence in this style of sound. this song rocks, and i'm slowly getting into the energy of this music. it's quite intense, but it's a kind of crazy happy, without really giving a fuck about what anything means. i think.
george clinton is pretty decent too from what i've heard, but i'll have to listen to more before i can say anything further.
Van tomorrow! i leave this entry with this picture of what a truly beautiful xmas would visually represent in my eyes:
home in 8 days! can't wait, it's gonna rock. planning on checking out organix on dec 29th as i do miss randomly going in there. it's weird to think that is a mere 2 weeks from now.
other than that i've been thinking what i can do with my life. just in general. it's comforting to know how irrelevant status and jobs are when you're just in the clouds, thinking about whatever for 95% of your waking time. cooking is neat, and in a way, it's a gold ticket into getting the hell out of wherever i am, moving somewhere else and getting into new adventures again. like kain in kung fu, or something along those lines.
speaking of kung fu...
i've decided to start taking up northern shaolin kung fu lessons in the new year. working at the pub is awesome, and i love getting trashed every now and then to see what my mind does when it's under the influence, but there has to be more to life. being on the evening shift gets me drunk too much for my liking, and since they are the only real friends i have out here, i find myself getting drunk pretty often. socialization addiction. which is quite the statement as i like bouncing back and forth between realities, but tis life. discipline comes unconsciously for me at times. and at times it comes too late, but i feel it's bang on this time :-). martial arts have always fascinated me with how it consumes your mind to be at peace and training is a way of life unto itself. monks are the shit.
other than that, no resolutions really. brain needn't be forced to think other than it does. i'd like to push myself to speak french, but perhaps the cooking/kung fu thing will incorporate this into it.
review - hummer by smashing pumpkins. i need only quote this - "faith lies in the ways of sin"
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jesses_angel's journal
mischievous
peaceful
thoughtful
drunk
melancholy
annoyed
curious